5 Reasons Why Chelsea Manning Should Move to Takoma Park

Chelsea Manning will be released today, after having served just a few years of her 35-year sentence. Although progressives see Manning as a hero, “whistleblower,” or undeclared Nobel Peace Prize winner, we shouldn’t forget that he (at the time) willingly leaked over 700,000 pieces of classified information that could have resulted in the loss of American lives. There is simply no way Manning could have known what horrific consequences may have resulted from his criminally reckless release. 

But progressives chant, “But Chelsea Manning’s information didn’t kill anyone!!!” 

That, though, misses the point entirely. By way of analogy, it is much like drunk driving or driving while high. If you get caught while under the influence, you don’t get a free pass because you didn’t kill anyone.

But let’s not mince words here. Manning didn’t commit a driving offense. Chelsea Manning is a traitor. Plain and simple. 

While a member of the military, and during wartime, he released over half a million documents — haphazardly no less. It was only by luck, and quick actions by the government, that prevented the immediate loss of life. 

And that is why Manning would be perfect for Takoma Park. Here are the 5 reasons why:

1.  A traitor is only a traitor to the United States if you believe in the United States and the Constitution. In Takoma Park, flying or displaying a flag, or displaying any pride in this country, is a micro-aggression, and therefore the concept of being a traitor has no meaning here. 

2.  Manning’s sentence was commuted by President Barack Obama. In Takoma Park, Obama is Jesus Christ, and anything he does, save for a few things that Bernie Sanders would do differently, is beyond reproach. So, if Obama commuted Manning’s sentence, then there’s nothing left to discuss unless you’re a racist. 

3.  Takoma Park is a self-declared sanctuary city. We not only welcome illegal immigrants, we also request that they vote in our local elections. So who are we to judge if Manning committed a crime against a country we don’t believe to be legitimate in the first place. 

4.  Takoma Park has seen a recent influx of high wage earners. Some of the “spunk” that made Takoma Park, is missing. We are still living in the glory of past revolutionaries, whoever they might be. Having Manning here would put Takoma Park on the revolutionary map again, not to mention increasing its #resist cred amongst the echo chamber and cafĂ© latte crowd.

5.  Manning is transgender. Sure, he may have been a white male, but he’s not anymore! In the world of intersectional politics, and critical race theory, Manning then is a victim. Takoma Park loves victims, and fully supports the all encompassing philosophy of victimhood. What better way to show this than to have Chelsea Manning live in Takoma Park!

So Chelsea, if you are reading this, Takoma Park welcomes you!